This is appalling to you. You wouldn’t dream of treating a mouse running loose in your home with such abuse. Yet your spouse—your “lover”—feels entitled to bully you and your young daughter this way. You ask yourself, “How did I ever get trapped in this God-forsaken, unfair marriage?!”I’m going to answer this question in three parts. The first pertains to our poor selection of a mate, the second involves a lack of revising our views as we get to know this person better, and the third describes how the person tries to manipulate us into staying.
Selecting Mr. or Mrs. Wrong
Around the globe, young men and women have listed attraction and love as the number one criterion for marriage, ranking it above
(1). However, research suggests that the happily married are those who, regardless of what they think they want, simply end up with spouses with excellent personality traits. In particular, the spouse’s emotional stability and agreeableness have been clearly linked to marital and sexual satisfaction
(2). Surprise, surprise —it’s better to have a warm cooperative mate than an unstable, disagreeable, irritable one! Upon hearing this, you may be thinking that the spouses with excellent traits are boring. You want someone very attractive and interesting, and you're willing to put up with some moodiness or arrogance to have that attraction. But consider how these arrogant, moody individuals derive attention. They are only sporadically emotionally or physically available, which gives the impression that access to them is a scarce and thus very valuable resource
(3). Their love and good moods must be earned. This process holds at bay any objective evaluation of their character.I suspect that what many decent people don’t realize until they have endured a very long stretch of unfairness is that their arrogant spouse entered the marriage expecting special consideration. Much like in adating relationship where the party who desires the other more must accommodate the other’s wishes, the arrogant spouse assumes you will do more than half the work to compensate for your lower desirability. Their expectation sounds a little crazy, but arrogant people are image builders not truth-seekers.
Exclusive Focus on the Positive Obscures Truth
Before deciding to marry someone, a threat to good judgment is an exclusive focus on our partner’s good qualities and not the bad ones. Consider what Walter Mischel observed regarding how people judged whether a given person had a certain personality trait (4). He found that they would recall and string together examples of that person’s behavior across time that were highly representative of the class of behaviors for that trait. Yet they would fail to notice contradictory examples. This is why Mischel concluded that we see others as more consistent than they really are. For instance, in determining whether a friend is caring, we might think back to when she brought us chicken noodle soup when we were sick, lent us money to pay the rent, and threw a surprise party on our 21st birthday. And once we think of her as very caring, we may simply overlook some of her uncaring behaviors.Imagine the prospective wife, for example, who decides that her boyfriend is a very good person—good enough to marry. Her decision is based on the fact that he donates large sums of money to feed the poor, never holds grudges, takes losing competitive games in stride, and often tells her what a great person she is. But she downplays that time he very aggressively berated her for talking to him while on the phone with a client. It was an honest mistake that left her walking on eggshells during his phone calls for months.Imagine, too, the prospective husband who thinks his girlfriend is an angel for always doing his laundry, leaving sweet notes and small presents, cooking his favorite meals, and giving long leisurely back rubs. But she was no angel that time he came through the front door a couple of hours late from work. She had lunged at him from the dark bedroom with her arms crossed and a look of fury on her face. Pointing a finger one inch from his nose, she screamed so loudly that neighbors down the hall could hear her accusing him of cheating with that “slut” co-worker. The next day she was sweetly smiling and apologetic. She explained that she was not her usual self the previous night because she’d had a bad headache. He forgave her, and they had fantastic “make-up sex.” He felt more in love with her than ever!
Selecting Mr. or Mrs. Wrong
Around the globe, young men and women have listed attraction and love as the number one criterion for marriage, ranking it above
(1). However, research suggests that the happily married are those who, regardless of what they think they want, simply end up with spouses with excellent personality traits. In particular, the spouse’s emotional stability and agreeableness have been clearly linked to marital and sexual satisfaction
(2). Surprise, surprise —it’s better to have a warm cooperative mate than an unstable, disagreeable, irritable one! Upon hearing this, you may be thinking that the spouses with excellent traits are boring. You want someone very attractive and interesting, and you're willing to put up with some moodiness or arrogance to have that attraction. But consider how these arrogant, moody individuals derive attention. They are only sporadically emotionally or physically available, which gives the impression that access to them is a scarce and thus very valuable resource
(3). Their love and good moods must be earned. This process holds at bay any objective evaluation of their character.I suspect that what many decent people don’t realize until they have endured a very long stretch of unfairness is that their arrogant spouse entered the marriage expecting special consideration. Much like in adating relationship where the party who desires the other more must accommodate the other’s wishes, the arrogant spouse assumes you will do more than half the work to compensate for your lower desirability. Their expectation sounds a little crazy, but arrogant people are image builders not truth-seekers.
Exclusive Focus on the Positive Obscures Truth
Before deciding to marry someone, a threat to good judgment is an exclusive focus on our partner’s good qualities and not the bad ones. Consider what Walter Mischel observed regarding how people judged whether a given person had a certain personality trait (4). He found that they would recall and string together examples of that person’s behavior across time that were highly representative of the class of behaviors for that trait. Yet they would fail to notice contradictory examples. This is why Mischel concluded that we see others as more consistent than they really are. For instance, in determining whether a friend is caring, we might think back to when she brought us chicken noodle soup when we were sick, lent us money to pay the rent, and threw a surprise party on our 21st birthday. And once we think of her as very caring, we may simply overlook some of her uncaring behaviors.Imagine the prospective wife, for example, who decides that her boyfriend is a very good person—good enough to marry. Her decision is based on the fact that he donates large sums of money to feed the poor, never holds grudges, takes losing competitive games in stride, and often tells her what a great person she is. But she downplays that time he very aggressively berated her for talking to him while on the phone with a client. It was an honest mistake that left her walking on eggshells during his phone calls for months.Imagine, too, the prospective husband who thinks his girlfriend is an angel for always doing his laundry, leaving sweet notes and small presents, cooking his favorite meals, and giving long leisurely back rubs. But she was no angel that time he came through the front door a couple of hours late from work. She had lunged at him from the dark bedroom with her arms crossed and a look of fury on her face. Pointing a finger one inch from his nose, she screamed so loudly that neighbors down the hall could hear her accusing him of cheating with that “slut” co-worker. The next day she was sweetly smiling and apologetic. She explained that she was not her usual self the previous night because she’d had a bad headache. He forgave her, and they had fantastic “make-up sex.” He felt more in love with her than ever!
I argue that the neither the girlfriend nor the boyfriend in these scenarios is decent enough to marry. In each case, the person demeaned his or her lover. If the roles were reversed, you would never belittle anyone! Your worst headache might make you a bit short with the person, but never insulting. Their belittling behavior (including the use of the word “slut”—the humble would not use it) signals their arrogance, a trait tied todeception and exploitation (5). Although you can never be sure if your romantic partner is decent enough to marry, you can indeed tell when they are NOT good enough from only one belittling act like these.
The Arrogant Won’t Let You Go
Note that when you try to dump the person after such an outburst, he or she might argue that they said they were sorry and it was only one mistake. Whereas a humble person readily sees your right to leave and does not interfere with it, the arrogant person has an image to defend. They might say many things to make you feel guilty to manipulate you into staying. For instance, they might remind you how much they sacrificed to be with you. Don’t let those comments get to you. The arrogant may well have a contingency plan with other people waiting in the wings if things don’t work out with you.
Another thing that they might say is, “Whatever happened to unconditional positive regard?” You can respond, “Yes, I was wondering that myself when you were so out-of-line with your outburst. If you had done that on our first date, I would never have gone on a second one with you. Anyhow, the fact that you are trying to make me feel guilty to keep me from leaving is in itself an outrage.” Keep in mind that evaluating the character of your dating partner is what you are supposed to be doing before marrying the person!
In a nutshell, to short-circuit the process of picking an arrogant, deceptive, exploitative spouse, consider casting a broad net in the selection process. There are so many single people now on internet dating sites that you have no excuse for settling to eat those gummy worms on the kitchen counter. You just need to open the fridge to find that golden apple. What you are looking for is humility, and avoiding arrogance. The trait of humility is a must-have that undergirds sincerity and the promise of a fair marriage. With this new lens, you might find it easy to screen out arrogant people on sites like eHarmony, where respondents are asked hundreds of questions, such as whether it’s okay for women to propose marriage or become priests. If they say no to those, well, that begs the question of why only men would be entitled to do those things.
You can’t be sure the person is humble; but when you encounter even one stunningly arrogant act, that is all you need to reject the hope that they are. Finally, don’t waste time after you see that hideous haughtiness arrive on the scene. You are going to get grief from the arrogant person from dumping him or her, but that should simply give you the strength of confirmation to make sure that break is clean.
When you do find that sincere, humble, fair-minded, non-greedy person, you might be shocked to discover how sexy that person is. It might be overwhelming to finally share a passion based on discovering the person in front of you—free from the conventional gender roles and judgments. There is nothing to fear, however, because the formula for communicating is simple: You always mean what you say.
The Arrogant Won’t Let You Go
Note that when you try to dump the person after such an outburst, he or she might argue that they said they were sorry and it was only one mistake. Whereas a humble person readily sees your right to leave and does not interfere with it, the arrogant person has an image to defend. They might say many things to make you feel guilty to manipulate you into staying. For instance, they might remind you how much they sacrificed to be with you. Don’t let those comments get to you. The arrogant may well have a contingency plan with other people waiting in the wings if things don’t work out with you.
Another thing that they might say is, “Whatever happened to unconditional positive regard?” You can respond, “Yes, I was wondering that myself when you were so out-of-line with your outburst. If you had done that on our first date, I would never have gone on a second one with you. Anyhow, the fact that you are trying to make me feel guilty to keep me from leaving is in itself an outrage.” Keep in mind that evaluating the character of your dating partner is what you are supposed to be doing before marrying the person!
In a nutshell, to short-circuit the process of picking an arrogant, deceptive, exploitative spouse, consider casting a broad net in the selection process. There are so many single people now on internet dating sites that you have no excuse for settling to eat those gummy worms on the kitchen counter. You just need to open the fridge to find that golden apple. What you are looking for is humility, and avoiding arrogance. The trait of humility is a must-have that undergirds sincerity and the promise of a fair marriage. With this new lens, you might find it easy to screen out arrogant people on sites like eHarmony, where respondents are asked hundreds of questions, such as whether it’s okay for women to propose marriage or become priests. If they say no to those, well, that begs the question of why only men would be entitled to do those things.
You can’t be sure the person is humble; but when you encounter even one stunningly arrogant act, that is all you need to reject the hope that they are. Finally, don’t waste time after you see that hideous haughtiness arrive on the scene. You are going to get grief from the arrogant person from dumping him or her, but that should simply give you the strength of confirmation to make sure that break is clean.
When you do find that sincere, humble, fair-minded, non-greedy person, you might be shocked to discover how sexy that person is. It might be overwhelming to finally share a passion based on discovering the person in front of you—free from the conventional gender roles and judgments. There is nothing to fear, however, because the formula for communicating is simple: You always mean what you say.
nice article
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